There’s something I’ve been holding in for a long time. It’s absolutely shameful and I’ve struggled with it for years. Always hiding it from the public. Concealing it in the best way I can. Feeling guilty for my lack of self-control.

But finally, I’m going to let it out. In a moment, I’m about to rid myself of this terrible discomfort.

So, fellow citizen, if you’ve felt the same way, now is the time to let go of what’s troubling you. Please join me in unison on the count of three . . . ONE, TWO, THREE.

Now! Let your oversized belly hang out.

Aaaah, doesn’t that freedom feel wonderful? And, it’s okay. Finally, we can be who we have become and not feel responsible. Thanks to a smart lawyer with a fat client, we are all about to be absolved from guilt for having "super-sized" our meals.

These two partners, in their fight for the sideways-challenged, have filed a class-action lawsuit in the New York State Supreme Court against several fast-food chains. The attorney and his client claim that the fast food industry has allegedly contributed to obesity. And, if they win, they’ll be helping themselves to a whopper of a settlement.

It used to be that everything was Mom’s fault, but this time we can point our finger in another direction. The blame lies with the kid behind the counter who asked us if we wanted to eat more.

How dare he! He should have known better, just by looking at us.

Didn’t he see the flab oozing out over the top of our slacks? Didn’t he notice that we have two chins? What was he thinking to offer us more food?

But don’t worry. If this lawsuit is upheld in court, our lives will be changed forever.

Think of it. No need to feel guilty that our feet are obstructed from view. No need to feel remorse about our widening waistlines and heavier hips. No need to be ashamed of those love handles stuffed carefully into our waistbands. Because it’s NOT OUR FAULT.

Wow! What a new way of thinking! Why, it can revolutionize the way we live. We can make any choice and not be responsible for our behavior. What a deal!

For instance when someone asks if we’d like to "super-size" a spicy morsel of gossip, we can choose to hear it, and even more, without a guilt trip. After all, we need to get the news while it’s hot. And, it’s offered for a limited time only.

Sure, there’s something about slander in the Bible, but that doesn’t apply to us. With this new freedom from accountability, there’s no reason to get off on self-reproach.

The liability is with the bearer of the tasty tidbit who shouldn’t have approached us with the information in the first place. We’re not culpable for having listened or wanting an extra serving.

With this philosophy, as well, we can upgrade a delectable flirtation or inflate a juicy story without any burden of guilt for our conduct.

After all, if we can blame a restaurant for making us fat because they served us extra fast food that we chose to eat, then logically, the blame in other areas of our lives shouldn’t rest with us either.

But what happens when God notices the expanding darkness of our hearts and questions our behavior? No problem. It’s not our fault. And, we can blame it on someone else.

But, when we tell the Ultimate Judge that "the devil made me do it," do you think it will hold up in court?

Fat chance!